25th October 2010
The `Observer' or the `third position'
There are two states of mind when we solve a problem – the attached and the detached. Let's say that you want your child to learn violin, but your child wants to learn chess. You are attached to violin and your child is attached to chess! The more and more you ask your child to go to the violin class the less and less she is going to like violin. Similarly, the more and more interest she is going to show in chess, the less and less you are going to encourage. The result? Tension and ultimately broken relationship!
Suppose you look at the issue as though you are a third party? Here's a girl who does not want to learn violin, but instead wants to learn chess. What's wrong in a girl wanting to play chess? Temporarily remove from your mind that you are the father and she is your daughter and look at the chess as a game of thinking and the fun and excitement that goes with playing the game. Just look at a girl who wants to feel happy to play chess and spend her leisure time in this interesting game.
This is the third position in NLP. The beauty of NLP as a concept is the fact that it brings about a shift inside you. You will appreciate that most of us want others to change and we feel upset when others stick to their point of view.
Over this weekend, take a situation involving you and your child and you got angry that your child did not do want you wanted him to do. Take a very simple example of not getting up early in the morning. Recall how you reacted and the words you used. Recall the what happened to your relationship and rapport. Now you detach yourself from the role of a father and think how else you could have responded. Is there any other words `that father' could have used? Could `that father' have reacted in a better way?
Do this exercise and notice what happens to your response to the same situation the next day!
N C Sridharan and Radha Sridharan
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